The Progressions Of A Quarantined Caveman: Baldus Maximus

Welcome back to; a website that received the lowest possible score on a website optimization and discoverability assessment. Things remain largely unchanged around here since we last said hi. For instance, the contact form. Please continue staying away from that. The big changes are mostly happening behind the scenes in our respective caves, as the article photo so gorgeously suggests. Our goal, which we’ll likely restate periodically along the way, is to spotlight the under-documented cavemanfaces out in the wild, so we begin our journey together with an ongoing series dubbed “The Progressions Of A Quarantined Caveman.”

We focus first on Baldus (b•all•duss) Maximus (m•ax•ih•muss).

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Baldus (b•all•duss) Maximus (m•ax•ih•muss)

Personality: Friendly

Skills: Crafting/Tanning hide

Interests: Crafting/Tanning hide

Although Baldus Maximus are generally friendly, if provoked, they are masters of hand-to-hand combat, often strangling foes with their bare hands. As a result of Baldus Maximus’ self-defense preference, the species have accumulated one of the largest stockpiles of sharpened sticks and hammer stones on record, ensuring sufficient weaponry for hunting, as well as for trade with other friendly cavemen. Since the start of quarantine there have been 17 attempts to steal sharpened sticks and hammer stones from the Baldus Maximus stockpile. Perhaps related, 17 cavemen have also been reported missing.

Next we’ll explore the evolution of Baldus Maximus:

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In its’ most recent photo (bottom left), Baldus Maximus is seen exerting what appears to be a smile—something very much against the rules here at—but this is actually just a natural part of the latter stages of this species’ digestion process; a mere muscle reflex as Baldus Maximus passes its’ previous meal. More recently, Baldus Maximus has been spotted in wooded and mountainous regions, developing an interest in exploration and adventure versus the increasingly menial tanning of animal hides. Because of its’ extensive weapons stockpile, and the rapid accrual of meat in the region as a result of these weapons circulating throughout most neighboring tribes, many consider Baldus Maximus the heartbeat of trade and commerce in the cavemanfaces era.

We received the following quote from a close friend of Baldus Maximus, who asked to remain anonymous:


One small change worth noting, we added a follow blog by email button, so you can punch your email address in at the bottom of any page on the site and get an email when we publish new stuff. Following by email will also automatically enter you into our raffle, where we will be raffling off a chair made by a species of caveman selected at random; for the sake of your happiness and comfort, we hope it is Fredus Woodmus, the woodworking species.



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